FORGIVENESS

We so often talk about revenge and forgiveness in our daily life. Revenge forgiveness is two distinct but interrelated concepts, both responding in different ways to perceived injustice. Revenge is a notion, which aims at inflicting harm in return for perceived injustice. There are many reasons as to why people seek revenge. It could be result of violations of interpersonal justice, insults, and false accusations, broken promises, destructive criticism and ridicule. All these produce negative emotions, which promote a desire for revenge. It could be directed against any institution or person(s). Whatever form or shape I take; it is harmful for both, victim as well as offender and seldom produces desired results. It escalates conflict. It often leads to reciprocal revenges.

Unlike revenge, the concept of a morally superior response, this strengthens and heals relationships. Recent “psychological studies are showing that it is better to forgive than to be forgiven”. All the religion scripts are full of admirations for those that promote and practice concept of forgiveness. When prophet Mohammad, lord Buddha, Lord Rama and Jesus Christ taught us the lessons of forgiveness, they were not just practicing holy philosophy; they were rather giving us practical down to earth life advice. Do we follow their advice? The answer is “no”. If we were, then Israelis and Palestinians would not been killing each other; Hindus and Muslims would not have been slaughtering each other in Gujarat. From catholic vs. Protestants in north Ireland, to Shia’s vs. Sonnies I Muslim world, all are manifestations of revenge and not forgiveness as taught by their respective religions. The most unfortunate part is that all these destructive and disgusting events are carried out in the name of religion. In effect, they simply make their respective religions bleed.

God has blessed us with the tool of forgiveness; we neither recongnise it nor use it as frequently as it should be. Apart from ethical significance, there are dozens of scientific, medical and psychological studies available from over the world, which highlight one or the other positive feature of forgiveness. The findings of these studies reveal that wisdom learned in stages; older people who forgive are rewarded by improved health; benefits of forgiveness seem to increase with age; practical of forgiveness helps reduce anxiety and depression. All these studies conclude that most people will be better off if they forgive others the few wrongs experienced during life. Why don’t then we forgive others as individuals, as institutions and as nations to make this world a more peaceful place?

 KSHAMA and sometimes shanty) and non-violence (ahimsa) long associates with Gandhi are core values. These are many instances in history where saintly persons, even though provoked, did not succumb to anger or violence. It is recorded in Vedic literature, that when Daksha, presiding over a sacrifice, first ignored Shiv ji, the great God did not retaliate, although he was fully capable of doing so. This was an exhibition of great forbearance. Lord Buddha is said to have totally rejected Vedic knowledge almost itself an act of violence in order make his teachings of non-violence stick. “Forgiveness is a quality of those who are advancing in spiritual knowledge”. This may be considered the Vedic version of the maxim attributed to Alexander pope: “to err is human, to forgive divine.”

However, according to Vedic injunctions there are six types of dangerous aggressors:

(1) a poison giver,

(2) one who sets fire to the house,

(3) one who attacks with deadly weapons,

(4) one who plunders wealth,

(5) one who occupies another’s land, and

(6) one who kidnaps a wife.

And such persons may be auctioneers. Laws of self-defence, allow violence in these circumstances. Further, the Manu-Samhita supports capital punishment, so that in the next life murderers will not have to suffer for their sins. Although the passive resistance tactics of Gandhi laid the groundwork, it was the more militant campaign led by Subhash Chandra Bose and the Indian army, which ultimately gained us, independence.

The protection of citizens’ life and property is governmental necessity, involving on many occasions. Yet, it is a law of Manu that one who identifies the doer of heinous acts receives the same karmic punishment as the perpetrator: from the Bhagavata, we read of Maharaj Parikshit saying: “O you, who are in the form of a bull! You know the truth of religion, and you are speaking according to the principle that the destination intended for the perpetrator of irreligious acts is also intended for one whom identifies the perpetrator. You are a no other than the personality of religion.” This reminds us that the finer intricacies of religious codes do require forgiveness. But to act, as a saint when we are not one is ill advised. So violence, often thought to be decisively ‘Un-Hindu’, is sometimes necessary for the protection of our lives, for personal karma, and for a world, where core values can be established and maintained for the good of all.  

The way ‘forgiving’ can heal individual, marriages, families, communities and even entire nations, positive human relations’ can do no less. It can promote relationships among various racial, ethnic, religious, gender and cultural groups through positive traits, advocacy and conciliation. Even if criticism is delivered with greater interpersonal fairness it results in more favourable dispositional attributions. Modern people wear many masks because they do not want to learn about their own self, which could be at times as Armour that keeps our reality confined and unknown even to ourselves. A common example of this habit of masking is to ask a personal assistant about the mood of the ‘boss’ before one is scheduled to meet him, so that one can wear an appropriate mask. We often repeat this habit of masking at home on various occasions.

Transactional Analysis is a well accepted method in psycho analysis, ‘which’ helps you to know yourself, to know how you relate to others and to discover the dramatic course your life is taking’. In fact, it provider necessary frame of reference for a person to evaluate old decisions and behaviour and change what one decides is desirable for him/her to change. The method essentially helps a person to become aware about one’s ago states and enable a person to discover where there is discord and where there is agreement with one’s own personality. Every person has three ego states child, about and parent. Child operates in the form of manipulation or fun, which an individual continues to do and is, derived from his/her childhood habit.

An adult is an ego state when a person gathers facts and on the basis of these facts, makes a reasonable decision. Finally, a parent is an ego state, when a person starts doing things he/she has copied from a parent figure. The unit of measure in interpersonal relationship is the transaction. By analyzing these transactions one can determine when one’s transactions are ‘complimentary’, crossed’, or ‘ulterior’. Learning to change old habits of discounting is not always easy. However, people can become aware of how they discount themselves and others and develop new and better pattern of transacting. Instead of giving an ulterior put down, they can deliberately activate their ‘adult’ to check destructive remarks and behaviour. Instead of discounting they can give positive strokes to others and even to themselves.