HARMONY IN MARRIAGE

PATI PATNI VYAVAHAR

ONE FAMILY

Man and woman have been around forever. They have met each other, married and left each other life after life. This has resulted in complex worldly interactions between the two. In previous eras called Sat, Dwapar and Treta, problems between a man and a woman were nominal because their innate natural characteristics were simple and easily adjustable to each other. Men and women of this era are filled with problems related to innate nature, resulting in differences of opinions, clash and discord. This is the nature of this era called Kaliyug.

Married couples are constantly finding themselves at odds with each other and find no harmony in their life together. So for this era, how is a married couple to find harmony and freedom from constant stress and tension? Is there any scripture or book that they can rely on? What are they to do? For these folks, the exact answers to their daily life questions and problems are available in very simple direct language of the one who has lived a married life and experienced the problems encountered, and has awakened to the true nature of the world and the Self. Probably such kinds of all Questions are answered relating to the interactions between a husband and a wife re being written in my book which shall be published soon.

This book will be compiled from many of questions asked over a forty year period of my life, by individuals and couples who may seek final answers to clash and conflict in marital life.

For the reader who pays attention to this will follow in these my blog articles, the grace of the God will be showered in the form of peace and harmony within and in the home, by the answers to the Questions which bring closure on very intricate and complex problems of married life. These answers will reach the heart of the reader directly and blesses them with the divine vision of looking upon his or her life partner as a Dev or a Devi, celestial beings.

When does one enjoy Married life?

It is when the whole day passes without any stress or worries. How can one enjoy life when there are conflicts at home? Conflicts are unacceptable, especially at home. There may be conflicts at times with neighbors and others, but why at home? At home one should live life as a family. What is family life like? Love should prevail and flow at all times. Where is the family life nowadays? One starts bickering over a meal that is not to his liking. Underdeveloped people! What are the developed people like? They would set aside what they do not like, and eat the rest of the meal. Can this be done? This is a family life. Go quarrel outside? What does ‘my family’ mean? It means that we do not have any conflicts. You should adjust. You should know how to adjust within your family. Adjust everywhere.

Do you have the knowledge of family organization? Our Indians lack the knowledge of how to organize a family. In the foreign countries they do not understand the right concept of family. For them when James turns twenty, his parents, William and Mary will tell him ‘You are now on your own so that we two love birds can be on our own too!’ They do not have the habit of organizing a family. And their family is very frank. If Mary does not get along with William, she will consider a divorce right away. In our country India we never accept the idea of divorce. We stay together, we quarrel and then sleep in the same room. This is not what life is all about. This is not called a family life.

In India, people also have their own family doctor. Why do you have a family doctor, when you do not even have a family? Family doctor means the doctor is part of the family. But the wife is not. The treatment given to the wife is not of the kind you would give to a family member. At times she is treated like a non-family member. When the family doctor comes, they do not quarrel with him. Even if he leaves behind a big bill, they will not argue with him. They’ll say ‘this is our family doctor!” One thinks that he is someone with a status by having his own family doctor!

Do you quarrel with a family member even if he hurts you by accident? No. You should live like a family. You should not pretend. People put up pretenses. It should not be like that, one family. Tell her that you don’t like being separated from her. When she gets upset with you, after a little while just tell her “No matter what you say to me, how upset you get with me, I miss you when you are not here!” Just go ahead and say this ‘Guru Mantra’ (special words that bring great results). You never express your love and appreciation to your wife, do you? What is the problem in doing so? Say, “I do not like being away from you.” You should keep most of your love to yourself, but do share and express some of it.

Some people think that, the world does not function without quarrels. At least there should be some quarrel, sometimes.

Then God would not remain there at all. Wherever there is clash, God will not stay there.

No, there should not be any quarrelling. Why should there be any quarrels? What is the reason for a quarrel? Are you comfortable with quarrels? How many months can you live with conflicts?

Not a single moment.

Not even for a month? You get to eat nice meals, wear beautiful gold jewelry and yet you have to quarrel. It is because you do not know how to live life; you do not know the art of living. That is the cause of quarrels. All we know of is the art of making Money. That is where your thoughts are preoccupied but you never think about how to live life. Shouldn’t you think about this?

We should think about it, but everyone has a different approach.

No, everyone’s ways are not different, they are all the same. Money, Money, Money…. Where can I make Money! And then when one earns some money, he would go to a store and buy something for the house. He brings it home, but does he have to keep looking at it? Then when it becomes old, he has to go and buy another one. All day long he is caught up in a rut, he is unhappy, and he is stressed, stressed and stressed. Alas! How can one live this kind of a life! Does this suit a human being? There should not be any quarrels or conflicts.

How would you define a clash?

Clashes with members of the family, with outsiders, clashes with the wife are all included. If a couple gets into an argument and as a result avoid each other for a while then this event is called a clash. There is no problem if they get together right away after two to three hours of bickering. But when they argue and stay apart, that is called clash. If they stay apart for twelve hours then the whole night is spent in clash.

This tendency to quarrel, is it more prevalent in a man or a woman?

Women have more of this tendency.

What is the reason for that?

There are two categories of clash, minor clash and major clash. Men tend to get into a quarrel of the type that does not last. They forget and let go quickly. This is minor clash. Women on the other hand do not recover from a quarrel that easily and they tend to remember it for a long time. They simply cannot let go easily. This is a major clash, because it is prolonged. Sometimes they even make a big issue of a minor quarrel because of the way they are. For example after a minor disagreement the husband walks about as if nothing has happened but the wife walks around with a sulky face as if she has been starved for three days.

So what should one do to avoid major clash?

If you do not light a minor fire she will not turn it into a major fire. The fault is yours for igniting a fire in the first place when you tell her that her food tastes awful. You don’t like the food she has prepared, and so you go around with a frown on your face. All these trivial things give rise to a minor clash, which will lead to a major clash. The important thing is that there should be peace at home.

But how can peace prevail?

For peace, one has to understand religion. You should tell everyone at home, “We are not each other’s enemies; nobody has any quarrels with anyone. There is no need to have differences of opinion. Let us share with each other what we have and let us be happy.” That is how we should think and do everything. One should never quarrel with people at home. How can you quarrel with the people with whom you have to share the same home? Nobody has ever been happy by making others miserable and we want to be happy by giving happiness. We can only be happy if we make others happy at home. You will be served a good cup of tea with a smile if you avoid clash with this understanding. Otherwise they will ruin the tea and then serve us.

Look how many worries and inner differences there are! A person does not get rid of even a trace of differences of opinion, and yet he thinks that he is religious. Ask him if clash has ceased at home? Have they even decreased? Have your worries become less? Do you have at least some peace? To that he will say: “No, but at least I practice religion.” You fool! What religion do you have? Being religious means you are at peace within and are not subject to any stress, internal or external, regardless of your worldly situation. To revert to your Real nature is the final definition of religion.

If your wife was holding a stack of dishes and glassware and she drops them, would you be affected by it?

You cannot avoid saying something when you are affected or hurt. You cannot prevent turning on your ‘radio’. The moment you get hurt, your ‘radio’ will come on, which in turn will hurt her. Then she will say, ‘As if you never break anything in your life.’ This is very important to understand. These dishes do break don’t they? If you tell her to break the dishes, she would not, would she? What is it that breaks them? There is no person in this world with an independent strength to break even a single dish. All of these are accounts that are being settled. If anything breaks through the medium of your wife, ask gently, “Are you hurt my dear?”

If you fight over a couch, then throw that couch away. That couch is worth only a few hundred dollars. Is it worth fighting over? It will only sow the seeds of hate. Just get rid of it. Anything that causes conflicts in the home should be thrown away.

The more you understand, the greater your faith. With faith’ results will follow. Without faith it will not help. If you do things with understanding, your life will be happy and it will make her life happy too. Doesn’t she make you wonderful meals? Doesn’t she make you wonderful meals?

Yes, she does.

What more then? Shouldn’t you be obligated to her because she is your partner? And what is her obligation in this? You bring home the money, and she does all this for you. This is the way a partnership works. The children are the product of your partnership. They are not solely hers, are they? Just because she went though pregnancy does that mean they belong only to her? Children belong to both of you. Do they belong to you both or her alone?

Yes, Both of us. Yes.

Are the men going to go through pregnancy? So this world is worth understanding. It needs to be understood from many different viewpoints. Only your inner being in peace can make you understand this world as is. It makes you understand what is good or bad for you. Then there will be an end to clashes at home.

Lord Krishna has said that there are two kinds of intellect; the helpful intellect and the harmful intellect. The harmful intellect brings forth only pain and misery. The helpful intellect brings forth happiness and seeks out happiness in the midst of pain and suffering. In Foreign country you get such good food, pure ghee, and pure yogurt. Life is easy but people do not know how to live. That is why they suffer.

We should be thinking about what is beneficial to us. What is beneficial of the two; remembering the happiness of the day you got married or remembering the sorrow of the day you became a widower?

Can a thought of becoming a widower at that young age during your marriage ceremony?

When you were wearing an elaborate turban of the kind the princely classes wear during marriage. Dressed in this manner even as a twenty-five year-old groom you looked very handsome. And your attire was bedecked and impressive. Later on as the wedding ceremony was going on the turban got slightly displaced on your head. It occurred to you then that it is good that you are getting married. It is a good thing that has happened but one day one of you will have to become a widow or widower.

Yes, alas! Wouldn’t one of the wheels break? Whatever is built has to break one day.

The intense desire to experience marriage makes you forget you’re real self. Where is the time for such thoughts of detachment in marriage?

But at that time a thought can not be occurred to you that whatever has started will come to an end. Of the two of you, one of you will be widowed. Either it will be her or it will be you.

When you got married in the presence of so may guests and relatives, with the Sun God and the priest as your witness, the mantra chanted by the priest was, ’Samaya varte savdhan’. (Exercise caution according to the event in time) When the priest says “Samaya varte savdhan!” Also the Promises are repeated in front of Deity and all guests present in the Marriage ceremony, but what does the person getting married understand? What does this mantra mean? It means that when the wife loses her temper, you should remain calm, and alert. Only then you qualify for the marriage. If she gets angry and you also get angry, then you have not exercised caution in time. When she gets upset, we should calm everything down. Isn’t it necessary to be cautious?

What is the root cause of clash?

Tremendous ignorance! One does not know how to live in this world. One does not know how to be a father. One does not know how to be a husband or how to be a wife. One does not know the art of living. With all the material benefits and conveniences there is still so much misery. Within the ocean of bliss one still searches for a drop of water.

But isn’t the quarreling due to the differences in personality?

It is because of ignorance. In this world no two personalities can ever match. After acquiring this Gyana (Knowledge), there is only one solution; adjust everywhere.

What should you do if your wife does not enjoy cooking?

Change your preferences to other dishes. There are many other varieties of dishes. Change your preferences. If you don’t like a certain flavor, then have her change the spices. That way you will like it. What is there to eat in pizza?

So if you organize your life in this manner, your life will run smoothly. In the morning if you devote half an hour to your prayers and devotional singing, then things will fall into place. You have received knowledge already, so now you have become wise. But others, who do not have knowledge, will need to do some devotional rituals and singing. You are now on the right path.

This Akram Vignan does not interfere with your worldly interactive life. All other forms of spiritual knowledge have relative contempt for worldly life. This Science does not offend worldly life interactions in the least bit. It remains within the confines of its ‘reality’ and does not offend anything at all.

The ultimate ‘light’ is where not even a single being is hurt in the slightest degree. Even your opponent will be pacified. If you have any opponents, they will say ‘We both have differences of opinion, but at the same time I have a lot of respect towards him’. They will speak in this manner; there is opposition for sure. In the same token, there is opposition everywhere. There will always be opposition. There is opposition to the Gynani as well as the fully enlightened Tirthankara. In the same manner, there is opposition everywhere. Not everyone can see the same viewpoint. Not everyone can come to the same level of thinking.

At home your interactions should be filled with harmony. In your home your wife will feel that she will not be able to find another husband like this anywhere, and the husband will feel that he will never get a wife like her. When this happens your life together has been worth living.

The qualities of a woman from India

These are all our moral values. I will tell you my Mother’s instance Even though they may have quarreled for years they lived together, on the thirteenth day, after the death of her husband/ my father, in the ritual ceremony for the dead husband/my father- She remembers, ‘Tere Pitaji aise they ! He used to do/tell like this and that.’ Even then, she will not hesitate to say, “I will not find another husband like him!” Throughout his whole life he lived by the principle that there should not be any commerce in religion, and in all commerce there must be religion. Also he never took any money from anyone for his own use.

Where there is conflict, God will not reside there. So we can tell God, “Sir, you can stay in the temples, do not come to my home. We will construct more temples, but do not come to our home.” God dwells where there is no clash. I give you a guarantee on this. God leaves as soon as clash starts. As soon as God leaves, people will tell us that the business is not running well. This is because God has departed. Business will run smoothly as long as God is present. Do you enjoy quarrelling?